Do you sleep in Heaven?

Heaven . When I see this word, it not only makes me imagine this beautiful place but a feeling of calmness comes over me. Yes, we all have grown up hearing about heaven, how great it will be when we get there. How there is no pain, no hate, no stress, just eternal happiness and love. I have never doubted this . But I recently have had so many questions about heaven. Knowing that it is wonderful satisfied me, until Asher left us here to live forever there. This might sound crazy but just because he is there, does not mean I do not have concern. Does Jesus do parent teacher conferences?? I would like an interview please. I mean, if you are a parent reading this..didn’t you interview different pediatricians? How about choosing the right day care? You didn’t just take someone’s word when they said “It’s Great”. No, you investigated yourself as you are putting your child’s life and well-being into someone’s hands that you barely know. That’s how I feel in a way. It kills me not to know what Asher is doing or who he is with. And not knowing SPECIFICS about Heaven doesn’t help.

For instance, do you eat in Heaven? Do you feel hot or cold ever? What do you do for entertainment? Do you just sit around and stare at each other and smile all day because you are in Heaven? How old will Asher be when I see him? Will he know me? Does everyone wear the same thing? How do you locate people? Will your husband still be your husband in Heaven? Is it overcrowded? Do you sleep ever? These questions may sound stupid and out of line, but hey, I am just curious. I think a lot about what Asher is doing. When I write to him, I ask him how his day was, what did he do, who did he meet. Put yourself in my shoes~you would want to have some comfort knowing your baby isn’t hungry or making sure that someone is holding him all day. I get emotional just imagining Asher in a corner, by himself, afraid and having all these strangers around him. My protective Momma gene takes over. Just because he is in Heaven doesn’t mean my motherly instincts go away. I only want the very best for him. If I can’t have him here with me, there better be PLENTY of people up there watching over him( except for the crazy cat lady people  ) and making him feel unconditional love because that is what I would have given him on this Earth.

Well, so tomorrow is July 26, anniversary numero dos. I really try hard to not make it a sad day but last month was very hard, and I have a good feeling tomorrow will be. This whole month has been filled with grief, tears, hormones, struggles, self-doubt and simply put…a lack of caring. I guess starting the month off with work and then having to go through our first holiday without him didn’t kick things off too well. I know, I know, 4th of July you are thinking shouldn’t have been an emotional day. Trust me, those were my thoughts exactly. But yet again, my train stopped in Tearsville that day with no warning. I had worked the whole day and so did Justin, and of course, it POURED outside. I got through most of the day but then I started looking at Facebook and seeing everyone post pictures of their little ones, some being pulled in little red wagons for a parade. Some with facepainted flags , holding red, white and blue streamers. And then you have the infamous pictures of a little boy or girl, sitting Indian style in Daddy’s lap, both looking up to the sky, watching fireworks. Then the flood gates just burst open and couldn’t be stopped at that point in the night. My little boy and his Daddy will never have that picture. I won’t get to see his face light up when he sees those starbursts in the sky. I prayed that night to God that he let Asher watch fireworks …let him see every fireworks show across the globe.

After that night, I got a taste of what holidays will be like. I don’t know how I will get through them. One thing I have always been is Mother Christmas. I LOVE Christmas time. I am that lady who listens to Christmas music right around Halloween. My fear is I will never be happy at holidays or that I will not want to celebrate them anymore. I contemplate even going back to TN for the holidays because I know that all those happy people will make me break down. While everyone around me laughs and has smiles on their faces, all I will think about is how a little boy should be there. This is where God and good friends and family will have to pick me up and carry me. I do not like relying on people as I am a very independent person. I also know my limits and I know when I can’t do it alone. If that makes me a weak person, then so be it.

But yeah, it has been a tough month. With a lot of stress at work, trying to put together a perfect memorial service next month for Asher, hospital bills, complications with birth/death records, losing a dear friend to cancer this month… I feel like I have reached my max. I am sure you can relate as when I get overwhelmed, I just want to quit. I want to say I give up ..fire me, take my house, I don’t care. I will live in a box and eat cereal. But then God nudges me and reminds me life is precious and although it has dark moments, sunshine comes in the morning. Sometimes it takes a kiss from your husband and a strong cup of coffee to get you out of bed to SEE that sunshine, but it’s there.

Asher would have been 2 months old tomorrow. I bet he would have started to smile and develop a little personality. I wonder how much weight he would have gained. Would he have more hair- what EXACTLY would the color have been? What would his cries sound like at 2 am? We will never know. I will think these same thoughts tomorrow as we release a balloon up to him and hope he catches it. Then we are off to Hilton Head for some much needed R and R. We need to get away from the world and just sit on the beach and enjoy each other and think of our sweet baby. We need to regroup before his memorial service as I know that once we have that, I will probably start the grieving process over which I am not looking forward to. But so many friends and family are coming and I am touched that they want to celebrate his life with us. And yes, booboo is coming to the beach with us  You didn’t think we would leave him home did you?

Some food for thought before I end tonight. I was having a discussion the other day with a lady who lost her daughther in September. She was in her thirties and although our children did not die at the same age, we have a bond.Unlike me , she has years and years of memories with her daughther. We were comparing feelings and stories and she told me how grief always comes out of nowhere, which I fully understand. She explained how she was out to dinner with a friend, and a song came on and she started crying as it made her think of her daughter. She later found out that her friend called her husband and said, “Isn’t she over it yet?” A word to the wise…NEVER say that to or about a parent who has had to bury their child. We will NEVER get over it.Ever. We will never go a day without missing our child. We will always feel blessed to have had that but always want them here with us. We will always hate the fact that our children will not get to experience all that life has to offer. Time doesn’t make pain go away. Time just changes that pain. I know many people don’t know how to act around a parent who has lost a child. I can’t speak for everyone, but know this~I will ALWAYS be proud of our decision to keep the pregnancy. I will ALWAYS want people to remember him and bring him up. Never think that you shouldn’t recognize that child because you think it will make us upset. Frame a picture, get a tattoo, make a stocking , do whatever you like. But whatever you do , DON’T ever ask when will he/she get over it. That’s a great way to lose a friend………………….REAL quick.

Thanks for your continued support and loving our boy. He deserves it.

Elephants in the Road

People that have experienced what I am going through say I will never get over the loss of Asher. I will never forget him. The pain will never go away…it will just change. I can see sometimes why they say that as 5 weeks ago, I couldn’t get out of bed without crying. Now I have no problem getting out of bed but I still find myself breaking down at different times. They say things get better with time, and in some ways, it has and in others, I feel like it is playing a cruel joke on me. On one side of the coin, I want time to stand still as each day that passes, is a day further away from when my little man and I were together. The more days that go by, the less and less I remember the vivid details. On the other side of the coin, each day that passes is a day closer I am to seeing him again. But when I think of that, I just feel so sad as when we meet again will most likely be decades from now. Decades. I have barely made it 5 weeks. How am I going to make it 40, 50 years without Asher?

I have found myself really trying my best to feel “good” this past week. Last Wednesday was hard as it was Asher’s one month mark, so as you can imagine I cried most of the day away thinking of what should have been. So, I did my best to do something to make me feel good, so I made several memorial boxes for the hospital. I had decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to try and help someone going through what I went through but I don’t really have any talents. I came to the decision to put my efforts into creating personalized memorial boxes in honor of Asher. Families that lose a child get one of these that hold their baby’s foot/hand molds, lock of hair, blanket, arm bands, etc. It makes me feel like I am giving back in a way. So I made a few last Wednesday. Yeah, didn’t work. I was still aching. Then I proceeded to go to the store to buy Asher’s 1 month balloon, and got in front of a man who was homeless. He was trying to buy several things for a kitty cat along with some basic hygiene items but he did not have enough money. He started putting things back so I felt a tug on my heart to pay for the gentleman’s items. If you know me, you know I am an animal lover so it broke my heart to see him pull out his wallet, which by the way was made of duct tape , to do his best to spend what little money he had on a cat. So I paid for his belongings and you could tell he was so thankful. It made me feel good for about 16.7 seconds until I got into my car and then the tears came yet again. Nothing seems to fill the void where Asher was. No parties, no dinner dates, no paying it forward, no running again, no work success . It seems to all be temporary. I feel like I am distracting myself from the reality of the situation and that is….. he was taken too soon.

I understand this is not the cheery, inspirational entry that you prefer to read. I never promised I would be the optimist every time I write. I choose to be optimistic but I do allow myself days, hours and minutes to be a realist and face the facts head on. Fact is, I am a mother; A mother who chose to keep her child despite the horrific realization that her child’s heart would stop beating at or shortly after birth. I am a mother who watched her child bat his eyes, wiggle his toes and blow spit bubbles. On that same day, I had to whisper in my child’s ear as I held him on my chest that we were so proud of him and to not be afraid….that Heaven was so beautiful and we would meet him there. Now I am a mother who prays to God every night to let my little boy come visit me, or to give me a sign that he hasn’t forgotten about me. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows me. I look at pictures sometimes of us two and feel like we are complete strangers and I HATE that. We didn’t even get to know each other. The bond between mother and child is so great but when given less than 24 hours together outside the womb, will he even know me in Heaven?

I write all of this because so many friends, family and even strangers say how STRONG I am, how INSPIRATIONAL I am and how I am a TESTAMENT of what Faith looks like. Truth is, I am grieving. I am surviving but it is not without constant pain, doubt and anger. I want someone reading this that is going through a struggle to know I am right there with you. It’s possible to survive the unimaginable but don’t pressure yourself to be “okay” if you don’t want to. Don’t feel like being pissed off or having doubt makes you regret the decision you made. Just because I feel like my insides are empty does not mean I regret having Asher. Absolutely not. Just because I disagree with God taking my son away from me doesn’t mean I don’t have Faith. God expects us to ask questions…to be angry …to grieve. But do what I am doing and allow yourself to FEEL ALL OF IT-every emotion.
I have to remind myself every day that it is okay to hate this situation. It is okay to hate the cards you were dealt. Trust me, if it was up to me, I would FIRE this dealer. I wish we weren’t living this now. But we are and reality is, we have to live and work and function. I am slowly doing that, but it’s not without bumps in the road—bumps the size of elephants.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”……Matthew 5:4