Rock a bye bye

Tonight I found myself in my rainbow baby Rowan’s room after bedtime. I had watched him toss and turn and cry out for me for quite a while as I had laid him down to sleep. Usually I let him cry it out but tonight my heartstrings were being tugged in a different direction. I scooped him up, blankie in arms, and started rocking him and drawing circles on his back. I can’t tell you why this moment hit me when it did, but tonight as I rocked sweet Rowan back to sleep, I instantly remembered when I had my one and only chance to rock my sweet Asher. When babies pass away, they give the family an opportunity to spend as much time with them as they desire. I remember my first sweet baby boy being wheeled in after being taken off life support and being in the hands of the creator. He had a white hat with a red rim which indictated the baby was no longer alive. At that moment, I could sleep, knowing he was right next to me. The next morning, I looked over and there he was, perfect as I ever imagined him. I scooped him up , waddled my Csectioned, cut opened, engorged breast, backless gown wearing self into the very uncomfortable rocking chair in my hospital room. It didn’t matter. I had my baby and although he wasn’t breathing anymore, I felt him. I could smell him. I could twirl his hair. So I started rocking him back and forth, looking at the beautiful sunrise God had painted in the sky. Here was this baby I had prayed for. Here he was, perfect in my eyes, outside the womb I had kept him so safely in for nine months. But my love couldn’t save him. If love could have saved my sweet Asher, trust me, he would be causing chaos and havoc here on earth like his brother is right now.

I have learned alot in these four years of losing Asher. I have learned God doesn’t always make sense to those here on Earth. I have learned that no matter how much you love something, sometimes it is not enough. I have also learned that if you fight for something, if you truly put your heart and soul into another being, you can hold your head up high knowing that that person has been changed because of your love. I am currently living through that in my personal life and although it’s hard, I know I have given it all I could. I know that love always wins if it’s an honest, all encompassing love. My love for my Asher was just that. I went through years of infertility before Asher. Then my dreams came true when that positive sign popped up on that test. Some of you are wondering how love won if Asher died? Love did win. Anything worth fighting for takes dedication and sacrifice and facing things you didn’t think you would come out on the other side of. But I was reminded as I rocked my sweet Rowan to sleep tonight, love does win. Dedication and determination win. Not letting the hard rocky roads defeat you. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have a sleeping giant upstairs in his crib right now. Sometimes you don’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel but it’s there. If it’s worth it, it’s there. But you have to fight against the odds. You have to crawl through the muck, and grime and shards of glass sometimes to get there. But there is no greater victory than when you come out the other side. Because you made it. Because you are a child of God. Because he made me a mother and a fighter and a lover of people. And I am so thankful for that . If I left this earth tomorrow, if the worst thing people could say about me was she loved too much and fought too long, I am okay with that. Because I have spit in the face of doubt . I have spit in the face of you can’t and you won’t. My swet friend Melinda reminded me this week as she looked at Rowan that he was never supposed to happen. He was a 1 in 4 chance of dying like Asher. But my faith carried me through that doubt and here he is. And man oh man, is he the perfet child for me. If you are reading this and ever wonder if you can survive heart ache, you can. And it makes the rainbows that come after those storms so much brighter. Love always wins.


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